What Do Respect and Agreement Have to do With It?

If I say it louder, then you’ll agree.  If I say it more, then you’ll agree. You must not be listening or hearing me if you don’t agree with me.  And, if you don’t agree with me, you don’t respect me!

Sound familiar? Maybe you grew up in a house like this.  Maybe your management treats you like this.  Maybe you treat your employees like this. Guess what? It’s total BS.

Growing up, my parents made me read things that disagreed with my view to help me critically hone, or change, my opinions, understand different perspectives and learn.

The last several months have shown us the depth of disagreement in our families, cities, country and world.  Saying it louder or more won’t make it right and make it so. We need to listen to others respectfully and thoughtfully, and then agree or disagree, just as we want them to listen to us. Disagreeing does not and should not mean, by default, lack of respect.

So, how about trying at least once this week to really listen to someone you disagree with.  See it from their perspective.   You don’t need to increase the volume or frequency, just talk and listen.  Maybe you’ll learn that respect and agreement aren’t synonymous.  So, try it! Model it, encourage it – and let me know!

The Paradox of Noisy Silence

New Year’s celebrations are usually full of noise – parties, fireworks, noisemakers, bowl games, you name it.

The new year at work starts off with a bang too – a bang of hectivity – things that didn’t get done last year, catching up from being away (even tho most everyone else was too). 

Yet, silence is necessary and hard and at first, incredibly noisy.  Therein lies the paradox (and you know I LOVE paradoxes).  I used to be great at finding time to be silent (silence, meditation, whatever you call it) and that was when I was traveling weekly and didn't have kids.  Now I’m trying to get back to silence.  And you know what? It’s hard!!! Yet I crave it!

“The music is not in the notes, but in the silence in between.

”

— Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

At first, my head is full of noise – ideas, to-do’s, reminders, errands, etc. go through my head like an Indy 500 race. It’s hard resisting the urge to write them all down – to just Let Them Go.  I’ve finally realized if they are that important, they’ll come up again sometime. Eventually, it gets easier, the race turns into a slow drive and then, sometimes, totally stops – the noise is gone, it’s complete silence. That silence is an incredible gift, a rejuvenating, calming and intellectually stimulating gift.  Yup, a paradox.

There is a lot of literature on the importance and power of silence – intellectually, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  But knowing and doing are two separate things.

So, join me in an experiment.  I’m going to try to set aside 10 minutes 2 times a week to be silent.  Not every day, not every other day – just 2 times a week for 10 minutes.  I’m going to start small, give it shot and if it works, build up.  Try it with me; tell me how it goes; and remember, this is an experiment so it’s ok to fail and try again…. 

The New Year: Going From "I-It" to "I-Thou"

2016 is coming to a close, and not soon enough for some.  2016 (well, most of the 20th & 21st Centuries) has been a year of I-It* – where the I (yes, that’s us folks) treat others as It’s – as functions, transactions, products, services – provided for our benefit and happiness. In an I-It world, our happiness, satisfaction, and worth are externally driven and temporary, requiring the next happiness "fix" and rarely requiring much, if any self-sacrifice.

So, let’s make 2017 the start of an I-Thou epoch.  In 2017, let’s treat others as Thou’s – as fellow humans in relationship with us, as people we are willing to make sacrifices for, not as functions for our benefit.  In an I-Thou world, we can both disagree and argue with each other AND still listen and value each other.  Our sense of satisfaction is intrinsically created from the breadth, depth and diversity of our relationships with Thou’s (not It’s).  This is a more permanent, fulfilling sense of, well, Joy - not fleeting and addictive as happiness.

“Let’s make 2017 the start of an I-Thou epoch.”

While the I-It of 2016 will greatly influence 2017, we don't have to let it control our personal and professional lives.  Join me in making 2017 the start of the I-Thou era in all aspects of our lives.  I believe - I know - that the beacon of light from a few I-Thou’s, actually from many I-Thou's all over a county, a state and a country, will light the world.

Shalom,

*Martin Buber, I-Thou